So Long…

Farewell,

Creating and writing on this blog this past summer and fall was indeed fun. However, I’ve decided to go in a different direction and begin another venture. More tailored toward to  something I love to discuss: SPORTS.

www.freethrows.tumblr.com .. Check it out.

Riches oughta have some news for you guys in the near future as well. Take it easy.

-BHS (@heirjones)

If Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

Rising from blogging purgatory, allow the rust to be brushed off.

Syrus: “My nig! The dining hall has salmon, barbecue ribs, and fried chicken tonight.”

Patrick: “oh word? WE IN THERE!! I got an hour and a half before class so let’s go. “

-They proceed to go in on the food after dapping up all the black people in the dining hall-

Syrus: “Ribs so tender, meat’s falling off the bone.” (PAUSE)

Patrick: “Damn my Obama. This food’s rockin, but my class starts in 20 min, I’ma holla.”

-Patrick gulps his tea, walks briskly to bus, and [because running IS NOT COOL] just makes it inside the closing doors.-

What Patrick did wrong was what so many students do today at universities and community colleges all over the continental U.S… He ate a full plate of food before heading to his upcoming class. He struggled to hold in his impending doom during class because he did not want to use  a public bathroom.

Patrick is a small piece of a larger puzzle growing abound. What is that particular pandemic you ask…?

FEAR OF USING PUBLIC BATHROOMS

When I was a young lad I dreaded going to public bathrooms.  I would rather wait it out and hold it in until I got to the comfort of my own home. The fear of people snickering and laughing at me while I sat in a stall, far outweighed the damage I was doing to my insides. One day this fear left me when I heard my father say the words “If ya gotta go, then ya gotta go.” (No disrespect to Lotto from 8 Mile but I heard my pop say it first.)

Those eight words gave me the courage to destroy any bathroom in the free world that I laid eyes on.

If I was Patrick, there would be a few things I would have done differently. First off, I would have declined Syrus’s invite to sound the feasting horn because class time was fastly approaching. Secondly, let me admit that number one was a lie, because I would skip class to enjoy a rare first rate meal at the dining hall. Gotta be very persnickety with these limited amount of swipes. However, for sake of sticking to topic, I will explain what I would have done if I did eat and run….

While Patrick sat in class turning and writhing in pain, I would have stood up and began my search for a secluded public bathroom. SB: I enjoy searching and finding the cleanest, most hidden bathrooms on campus that are rarely frequented. I sit down, relax, maybe even pull out a Targum. Making sure to finish up right before someone else comes in, leaving them to wonder “is this guy forreal?”

For those still lacking the fortitude and heart to use a public bathroom, due to shame, kidney problems or what have you, REMEMBER: We all go sometimes. Here are some tips on how to avoid embarrassment if you’re still questioning:

WELL, that was just a warm up. Keep up with our twitters and facebooks as we will be delivering updates on future posts. Don’t forget the courtesy flush!

Oh yeah, Poll question, do you guys do this before going?

Bird's Nest

-BlackHeirSociety

No Love For The Neighbors

America has been the archetype for discriminatory nations. Though the oppression might not be as brash as Germany cerca Hitler, America knows how to put people down on the social level.

This mind numbing history takes me to todays lesson: If you’re gonna be something in America, don’t be a Mexican. The American Dream is getting rich on your own, the American Nightmare is being born into a pair of Paco-jeans (Get it? your dad is ‘Paco’ and you have his genes ???????????).

Not funny? here are some better ones:

Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?

Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?

Why do Mexicans drive low riders?

They are too short to get into any other type of car.

What do you call a midget mexican?

Paragraph because he is to short to be an essay

What do you call a mexican baptism?

Bean dip

What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of crap…?

the bucket

What do you call a group of stoned mexicans?

Baked beans

Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot?

50 Mexicans died

That might not be an understatement, imagine two of these in a collision.

Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place?

Because their dads built it and their mom clean it.

What’s a mexican’s favorite sport?

cross country

No, we’re not fascists (or racists), those jokes are the ubiquitous search results of “Mexican Jokes” in google. I can say at least in my travels, that it has become common place to tell Mexican racist jokes. You still hear the black, white, asian etc., jokes, but then some one says “Cut it out, thats mean.” Those jokes are still admittedly “wrong”. But Now-a-days, you get laughed at if you can’t tell a good mexican joke. There is no more guilt in telling a Mexican Racist Joke. The Following may be why.

Stereotypes:

The animosity does not stop at a lack of guilt, it translates to general stereotypes as well. Here are some common POSITIVE stereotypes: Asian and Indian people are smart, Asians become engineers (this is evidently true at Rutgers University), Indians become doctors; whites rule the world (Wh you say “I need help getting ‘The Man’s’ foot off my neck” you’re talking about a white foot), are smart etc.; Blacks have highly athletic and sexual bodies (People think we are all tall and can Jump–one time an Asian girl asked Jones and I “Are you basketball”, I wonder why–and that we’re hanging-10 in our pants–I think this is the best possible stereotype to have personally, it makes me even more proud to claim ‘Black’) big booty black girls, African’s are doctors (this is true of Rutgers as tell) etc. Ok there are definitely negative sterotypes as well, but at least there are positive stereotypes. What are the positive stereotypes of Mexicans? You can say hard working. But a few of the jokes i found online said: How do you stop a mexican from robbing your house?

Put up a sign that says Help-wanted.

I think this fact, that there are little to no seemingly positive stereotypes about Mexicans, confirms the dignity of Mexicans in peoples’ eyes. They are simply not respected.

However there is hope:

Carlos Mencia- although they may not be too proud of him:

Pedro (from Napoleon Dynamite)-

This week on Ripley’s Believe it of Not Tree Man:

Next week, Ripley’s Believe it or not…, Eva Longoria is …….. a MEXICAN.

A Medi? No way........

WAY! But the show would never get aired because Rip himself wouldn’t even believe that.

Salena- former phenom

There are a few celebrities that are dim lights in the darkness but now this: People used to say “Black is the new ‘cool’” when everyone wanted to be black. Since “Black is the new taco” (according to Taco Bell), I can proclaim: ‘mexican’ is the new ‘nigger’.

The reason why I say this is because of this: If you call a black person a nigger you get a similar result if you call a latina a Mexican. Some will take kindly, others will look at you as if the world ended. This is what happens when you ask a Puerto Rican is he’s Mexican:

Side Note: The other day I figured out why mexicans are short, or why there’s some truth to some racial stereotypes (very little). The answer: Mexicans are inbred. If genes are transfered through reproduction, and a race reproduces with each other, the genes are going to be the same. If a whole bunch of vertically-challenged people keep reproducing with each other, they’re only gonna produce more short people.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against Mexicans or Mexico; I see them as South Americans and hence, fellow Americans. This approach was not propaganda for an anti-medi campaign or anything of the sort, it was merely an exposition and perpetuation of the consensus stereotypes about Mexicans. To anyone who is uneasy about this post note that it we were telling Jokes–often fictional distortions of reality for the sake of laughter–not voicing opinions (if it was a legitimate opinion, there would be NO disclaimer).

Stirring the Soul,

The Black Heirs

Season Two’s PREMIERE: D.O.A. Pt. II: Martial Arts

You know how when you’re taking a shit, and you try to force it, doesn’t it make it worse? Writing, like taking a shit, is better when you let it come out naturally. I’ve been sitting on this terd for a little while. So here, take a whiff:

The era of Kung-Fu cinematics has official been pronounced deceased–not recently, it met its end with Channing Tatum’s Fighting. The movie wasn’t necessarily Kung-Fu flick, but it was a product of the evolution of fight movies. The days of the fluid mastery of fighting—the age of the iron fist—where king of the playground handled matters in the sandbox, before sundown.

Nowadays, its worse to have martial arts training, because now, while you hang out at bars and such, itching to exercise your karate chop in real live combat, you’re more susceptible to gunfire. If you don’t know how to fight, you’ll probably pick up a gun or a knife. But then you run the risk of Cheddar Bobbing, I mean Plaxico Burressing yourself. But shooting yourself is not nearly as embarrassing as getting shot reaching for your Nunchucks.

You might then recall one of the real legends of the Kung-Fu movie era, Bruce Lee, who eventually inspired the world to settle matters with fists, and kicks. Provided is a scene with some funny choreography, Vintage Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee’s legacy also inspired fighters in major combat games:

Bruce Lee also inspired the African American world. This is what happens when Black people get a hold of martial arts:

A more honorable ‘offspring’ of Bruce was Jack Chan. Jackie Chan revolutionized the crafty art of stunting. If you watch him, It looks as if Jack is really just tryna defend himself from real danger.

With the Jackmania in its twilight, Jet-Li arose and mingled with DMX and Aaliyah on several occasions. But now, from the ashes raises the only hope for Kong-Fu (Now thai) Flicks:

The common theme is the absence of fire arms for more honorable combat. This can be most easily seen here: Friday, the BET Epic, ended with the protagonist defeating the films bully “like a man”.

This video captures the mind, body, soul, and spirit of this post which leads to the next clip; This is what life is all about:

This film featured Terrance Howard, Andre 30, hood-hero Tyrese, and John Cena (I heard that Mark Walberg wasn’t an actor in the film, John Cena actually played the real life Mark Walberg—in his Marky Mark Days).

If I saw them standing next to each other, I’d STILL say they’re the same person.

The climax of Four Brothers had Cena trot through tundra, seeking to defeat the film’s antagonist. There was not even a though of a gunfight, which would have rendered the climax stale–its much more dramatic they fight it. From the videos you’ve seen, you may now wonder the current state of Martial Arts in film. Instead of hardened warriors opening up fancy cans of whoop-ass, writers are finding fancy ways to squeeze triggers triggers.

And the trend manifests itself in the video game world as well. What is the first game you think of when you think of arcades? If you’re over 30, you might have witnessed Pac-mania. If not, you might think of the racing games—but not Street Fighter, or Mortal Kombat. You most likely think of House Of the Dead, or Time Crisis 7. I guess its more fun to pull a trigger than to mash buttons.

Have you ever been playing a game like Knockout Kings (Fight Night), or a madden against a friend, and got so frustrated because you were losing that you wanted to settle it in real life? Say bet money on a bout of Fight Night, and you’re getting your ass kicked. Y’all are talking trash back and forth, and eventually you say “You don’t wanna put the gloves on for real tho,” as your handing over the cold, hard cash to your adversary. The two of you can settle it like gentleman. But what if it’s a gun game that you guys bet on? Can you really say “You don’t wanna have a shoot out forreal,” (Its only in Philadelphia, PA where people really say this, and MEAN IT.)

“Fuck it lets go outside then”

This obviously isn’t going to end well. Bottom line is, the competition is level on a hand-to-hand combat game; anybody can pull a trigger. American violence in media is being swept away in the storm of gunfire, and the Walker Texas Rangers, Bruce Lees, Street Fighters, are officially a thing of the past. What we can look forward to is more futuristic weaponry and concepts, leaving the original way of the fist in the history books.

From the folks of Black Heir Society,

Peace.

Season two

No, this is not a second apology; this is a P.S.A., formally announcing the return of Black Heir Society, for a second season. The first season began during the summer, then we unofficially ended the season for a mild vacation (no we didn’t get cancelled). Season one provided smiles and frowns for the community, at the expense of Jones computer–really, wre accepting donations. His computer perished for the glory of The Black Heirs, don’t let it be in vain.

Even though we’re grieving, we’re ready to get back on the hot seat, throne. As Terrell Owens T.O. 81 would say “Get cho’ popcorn ready!”

Oh, and in the meantime, we’ve got pages of older posts, and chances are you may have missed a few things in the pasts. New readers, you’ve missed everything so catch up!

Giving you our word(s),

Black Heir Society

D.O.A. Pt. I: Reality Sucks… (Season FINALE)

Tonight will commence the beginning of a mini-series entitled:

D.O.A: Death of Art
Tonight’s victim: Television

Reality sucks; reality TV that is.

Wanna find “true love” in the quickest way possible? Go on TV.
Want some quick money? Go on TV.
Want 8 minutes of fame? Go on TV. (However, as you may know, your chances of an untimely death will increase.)

Reality television oozes through our tv screeens because its a cheap alternative for network televison programming. This form of television was usually reserved for the Summer season. TV networks know that Americans travel in the Summer, so networks lessen their chances of  wasting money on sitcoms and dramas and feed us reality filth. Its quite understandable that network tv execs would do this because who doesn’t want to save money? However, it seems that reality television has left its homebase of Summer time and crept into every single time slot on the TV Guide.

VH1 is a prime culprit for reality tv’s rise. To quote one of my favorite college football analyst, “their dominance is prevalent.” The people at VH1 are reality tv supremacists. VH1 gave us reality tv classics like Strange Love and Flavor of Love. Nowadays we have such shows as My Antonio, The T.O. Show, Megan Wants a Millionaire and Real Chance of Love 2. (see below)

Chance, Real, Gay 3rd Brother

Man, I hate these guys. Real Chance of Love features two brothers Real and Chance, whom I thought was deserving of his own show a long time ago. Real and Chance, along with their third brother comprise a rap group named the STALLIONAIRES. Nonethesless, these doods are homo thugs, or decepticons as @lilduval would affectionately call them; looking to find love within a mediocre batch of women. Flavor of Love boasted better broads and Flav resembled a gremlin.

(Sidebar: I wouldn’t mind some final destination ish happening to Real. Like he gets swept up in a sudden whirlwind and his ponytail wraps around his neck, and he chokes to death. I’m just sayin.) Enough about this show, because I find myself getting frustrated thinking about it. Onto…

Megan Wants a Millionaire.

Megan and the Cast

The show’s premise is exactly what the title states. Megan searches for her soulmate amongst a group of males. These aren’t your regular run of the mill men, these guys are millionaires. These men vie for Megan’s affection by BUYING HER GIFTS. I’ve yet to watch a full episode and never will. I only stay on the channel long enough to see if the black guy’s still on the show.

The trending majority of reality television programs have scripts, interviews, and an elimination of one or more characters from the show–what other incentive is there to watch the show other than someone getting X’d. Its not like the girls are pretty any more.

This is what I (Freckles) look like, how did I get on TV again?

These kind of models’ll deter me from viewing. But the conception of Reality Television is somewhat oxy-moronic. Television should serve the purpose of stimulating viewer’s imagination–a paper pusher at the local precinct should be able to go home and unwind to The Wire. I don’t wanna come home from class and watch kids play beer pong in their room from on MTV? That’s not television. I don’t want to watch Paris Hilton’s and New York’s (Why are these single-cell brained ‘celebs’ named after big cities?) perils of hard-labor. It’s bad enough that people are entertained by celebrities lives, but now we’re privileged enough to watch regular ass people do everyday things? I guess stations turn to reality when the money goes!

The disease of reality tv hasn’t just struck VH1. Other networks are certainly guilty of the demise of quality programming. America needs more classic sitcoms like The Cosby Show and Seinfeld. Yes, I said Seinfeld. I didn’t say Friends so don’t shoot. Just like this blog, a lot of what happens on Seinfeld can be applied to every day life. Know anyone like this? I do.   Annoyed by telemarketers? I’m sure you’ve been.

The best and only reality television worth watching is SPORTS. The T.O. Show doesn’t count, but T.O. crying does.

-Black Heir Society

Weathering the Storm (Before the Water Hits)

Surviving until 2012 may not be as hard as you think. Follow this golden rule: DO NOT BECOME A CELEBRITY

If you life doesn’t revolve around the lives of celebrities–like us true Americans–you might have missed the growing obituary list of our fallen famed friends:

• Arturo Gatti
• Steve McNair
• Walter Kronkite
• Billy Mays
• Farrah Fawcett
• David Carradine
• Lucy Gordon
• Michael Jackson

No, I’m not impersonating The Game, dropping names of celebrities on my work just to get attention. There have been many untimely deaths of Celebrities: Aaliyahs, Kurt Cobain’s, Brandon Lee’s, Biggie’s, Pac’s etc. But these recent passings have occurred all too frequently, there must be some common cause. My theory? They’re Famous.

They say it pays to be famous. I say it kills to be famous. (Unless you’ve discovered the sorcery behind Magic Johnson’s HIV disappearing act.)

Reasons why NOT to become famous:

1) Public eye: OJ, or as Ricky Ross calls him Orenthal. Who is Orenthal James Simpson? I guarantee the first thing that comes to mind is his murder trial (or his recent robbing sprees). Some of you might even remember his stint in “Naked Gun.” But very little will know or remember that he was a Heisman Trophy winner in college, and one time-NFL MVP and NFL Offensive player of the Year. Some people don’t even know that the man used to suit-up on Sundays with his band of brothers. OJ was much before my time, and a lot of that football knowledge is useless–the point is that the man’s accomplishments are forgotten for his legal troubles–its like they never happened.

Remember when Michael Phelps was bored one day and decided to toke up? Remember the backlash and endorsment dollars he forfeited for inhaling the plant? All Phelps did was try to relieve some pressure–he carried the Flag on his back at the Olympics give him a BIG ASS BREAK. You loose a particular individual humanity when you’re considered a hero/icon/god.

Damn, he's human, who can we to look up to now??

Also–Chris Brown. Couples get into altercations all the time, sometimes this leads to physical abuse, OK. He happened to go all the way with Rihanna, and the bout of fisticuffs went public. But where is Chris Brown Now?

Upset maybe, but his prewritten apology didn’t fool a soul. (The Rihanna/Chris Brown incident has been beaten to death, so i’ll only say this. Shit happens, they got back together,  whatever)

2) You could become another victim of Plastic surgeon. Its kind of like that show Dexter. These surgeons are killing celebrities appearances, and everyone knows except the celebrities.

Mickey Rourke:

Mick

Of Course Michael Jackson. But MJ didn’t have a mishap, he changed his gender without sex reassignment surgery.

Michael (left) Michelle (right)

3) Rumors:

Remember when Walt Disney cryogenically frozen?

Still think 2Pacs alive?

Remember when Lil Kim’s stomach was pump for gallons of sperm?

With all rumors, there’s no way of finding real evidence. Rumors spread from our will to believe others. To start a rumor, just think of a creative/believable story and start telling it. The more people think it, the more believable it seems–even if it was inspired by this post. Does anyone remember the Juicy Campus epidemic?

4) Drugs and Insanity or both: Stephon Marbury. He went from krossover king to Barbie Princess.

We don’t know exactly what drug Stephon is on. Try to figure it out.

Overall, there are a great many obstacles of living in the public eye. It is not advised if you want to live a long time. But we’ve figured out the secret of life: Garlic, vegetables, cigarettes, and red wine–Jeanne Louis Calment. If you’ve never heard this name, Go to Guinness’s Longest Living.

But this woman’s got nothing on our pal Sakhan Dosova, who sadly passed this summer. Proof:

Sakhan Dosova lived for 130 years. Of course, these two were not celebrities, nor living in America. They give me hope that I will live to see the century mark. In the meantime, Jones and I will be brave enough to attempt to survive stardom, heres the blueprint:

-Riches